Loretta (Zimbabwe) : A Convert’s Struggle to Understand the Priesthood Ban

As a Zimbabwean convert Loretta relates how two encounters have built, challenged, and sustained her faith in the Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. The first experience was as a waitress in a restaurant and the second was as a missionary in England when a street contact asked her how she feels about the church’s historical treatment of Africans, a history she didn’t know. Loretta’s shock at learning about the Priesthood Ban was handled with both charity and understanding by her Mission President, who allowed her to research and to work through her concerns. Through her personal experiences, Loretta will offer you wisdom about how to deal with this difficult issue.

Further Reading in Faith Is Not Blind:

 “[W]hen we choose to give the Lord the benefit of the doubt, our righteous desires will help us find, understand, and teach a plausible pattern that supports some divine instruction . . . That was exactly what his mission president had done for him: ‘in my hour of need [he] could give me a reason to believe when no clear answers were readily apparent.’”

(Faith Is Not Blind, Chapter 14, “The Benefit of the Doubt and Moving Beyond Complexity,” page 114)

FULL TEXT:

Faith is Not Blind: I’m really excited to be able to talk to Loretta. She has a unique, important story. To start off with, I’d just like you to introduce yourself. Talk about where you’re from and a little bit of your background.

Loretta: I’m from Zimbabwe originally. I grew up in a small family. It just myself and my older sister raised by a single mother. We were not entirely religious. The rest of the family was, but my mom just wanted us to learn from whatever we can. We didn’t go to church, but she always instilled normal moral values:  be good to people, don’t steal, don’t do bad things, stuff like that. So I just grew up with that, but when I would go to visit my grandmother and everybody else then that’s when I kind of got a little bit of religion in my life. Beause they would always go to church on Sundays. So when I was with that side of the family I would go to church. But in my home that we didn’t have. But that was kind of the upbringing.

Faith Is Not Blind: How did you find the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? I was with my sister and her husband. They were living in South Africa then because he was called there for work. And we were just kind of going through the aftermath of my mom’s passing away. I was struggling more than my sister was, My sister was kind of already moving on with that, but I was still holding on and so she suggested I stay with one of her in-laws who lived in South Africa. She was in a different town because she had kids that were my age and so she wanted me to kind of have that because at our house it was just her and her husband so there wasn’t much there. So I went to visit them. It was about a year or so after my mom’s death so I wasn’t really doing anything.  I wasn’t working. I wasn’t in school. I was just kind of grieving. I didn’t want to participate in anything. So when I was there I remember just getting a feeling that I should get a job. I should just get a job. I did not have a resume anywhere, but I woke up one morning and I thought, “Okay, I’ll go look for a job.” I have no idea where to look for one so I just started walking down the street, which is not like me at all. I was just wearing jeans and a t-shirt and I was just walking around there really asking if they’re hiring. Because it was a coastal town it was like so many tourist places restaurants and stuff like that so I figured if anything I should just look for like a job as a waitress because then it’ll be easier and less busy I guess. As I remember passing through this place and they had a sign that they were hiring and I walked in and I asked the manager if they could hire me. And he said, “Oh, we’re sorry. We still have the sign, but we have already recruited for the season. So just leave your resume and then we’ll get back to you. I didn’t have a resume nor even a handbag, so I just told them, “No, it’s fine. I’ll just apply when you guys are hiring again.” And I remember leaving the place and I got that feeling again: “You need to go back and beg for the job.” It was very specific and I didn’t know what this was then I just thought that’s a nagging feeling. Why do I have to go back for something I don’t want? So I went back and I told the guy that I’m a really good worker and I don’t have anything together. “I don’t have a resume for you, but if you hire me I can prove myself.” He was kind of put off by that because he was thinking, “You want a job, but you’re not prepared.” Like an anyone with does that. And so he’s like, “Okay, I’ll hire you for the night shift,” which is the busiest for that restaurant because it’s very popular in South Africa, “And if you do well, we’ll keep you, but if you don’t then you can’t fault me for not trying.” I remember going home that day thinking, “Okay, I have to prepare for this.” Usually if you’re getting a waitress job you get trained in the kitchen. I could get trained everywhere else before you go on the floor. I didn’t do that. He just told me to come in in the morning to get the menu and then that night I’m workin. So I went there in the morning. Then I started working that night. It was a Thursday night and Thursday night for that restaurant is busy. They have bottomless pizza from like 6 to 9. You just come in and your order pizza and you just keep getting more pizza until the night is over. And so everybody comes for that. It’s the busiest night and I was obviously nervous, but I remember standing with my colleagues at the door helping people if they coming.  I was thinking this was probably not a good idea because I don’t know anything.  I don’t know the menu. What if they don’t want the pizza? It has to be something else. Except for going through that I remember seeing eight people getting out of their cars wearing white shirts and black trousers. And I thought that was very unusual. They were all kind of matching and they had black tags and I said to my co-worker, “That’s a big table. Because they all dress and same, they must be from some company, right?” Then she looked at me she said, “No. You don’t want to help them.” And then everyone said, “The Mormons are coming” and then they kind of all ran away. Then I was only one standing by the door because I want to impress my boss. So I have to serve them, but it didn’t understand why everybody ran away. So as I was there walking towards the door I had a kind of–I don’t want to say Vision–but I had kind of something that reminded of when I was young growing up in Zimbabwe. I remember seeing people dressed like that and that was brought to my memory when I standing at the door. They kind of looked familiar as they were walking towards me and they greeted me. I sat them down and I went to grab their menus and when I was coming back from the menu station to give them the menus that feeling came again:  “Ask them what they do.” And I thought, “That’s not what I’m going to do. I’m just going to give him their menu and you know impress them or whatever.”  And that feeling was really strong to the point where I couldn’t say anything apart from asking what they do. So I got to the table feeling a little bit overwhelmed and I said, “Okay guys, here are your menues. But what do you guys do for a living because your all kind of dressed the same?”  One of the ladies was there and they’re kind of older–older couple missionaries from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They said, “We just came in here for a bite to eat. If you want to know what we’ll tell you after we eat.” But then they decided that whole evening gto tell me what they do.  They left no stone unturned. They told me everything. And I was listening and smiling because I’m being watched by my boss so I wanted to impress him. I literally gave them my undivided attention. I listened and would bring glasses of water or something and I’ll just listen for a few minutes to whatever they had to share. But everytime they kept telling me it I seemed too good to be true. I think, “This doesn’t happen. It’s not normal for a 14-year-old boy to just go pray and stuff happens.”  It’s a good story, but I don’t believe it. And at that time in my life because of my mom’s death I had a lot of questions for them. I was asking them, “Why did she have to die? Why do I have to raise myself? She was a good person she didn’t deserve that.” I had all these questions like “Will I ever see her again?” And these missionaries were not addressing any of that. So I was thinking, “If they’re from a church, they should know know what I’m supposed to be staying, but I’m not going to ask them. I’m just going to serve them and then they can go on their way.” Before they left that evening, one of the Elders who ended up teaching me about his testimony on plan of salvation and it had nothing to do with what we were talking about. He just talked to me about the Restoration and the Bible and that history. But then he just felt inclined to share that his testimony about the Plan of Salvation. After they left their number on the ticket. I like what she had said and I wanedt to know more about that. So I called them after my shift. It was like 12 midnight. I didn’t know you couldn’t call them at that time. So I I remember going home and calling and I was like, “I want to know more about what she said, Not everything else you’re talking about.”  You could tell they were happy. “Oh yeah! Got the job.”

Faith Is Not Blind: As the missionaries were teaching you, what would you say is the biggest thing that helped you know you should be baptized? What helped you make that decision?

Loretta: I think two things. Because I I kind of always wanted to be immersed in religion like when I wnet with my grandmother to church. I I liked everything they taught but I didn’t like it because everyone in my family was Methodist except for us. They would always teach you wonderful doctrine, but it felt like God was some untouchable being, you know. Like I couldn’t talk to him. I couldn’t, you know, just discuss how I’m feeling. So there was that distance and so I wanted if anything to have a personal relationship with that Being that I didn’t know yet. And secondly because before my mom died she kind of sat me down. I don’t know if she knew she was going to pass. I don’t know, but she kind of talked to me about life. She said, “I want you to get an education. I want you to be that person.”  So I think I thought religion would help me. I was a good kid, but I thought that would kind of help me be more consistent with those values. So when the missionaries were talking to me about a 14-year-old boy being committed to something like this I thought, “I’m older than Joseph Smith. I can do it.”  And so I’m praying or beginning to pray and learning how to pray and learning how to communicate with God. That helped me believe it. And the Plan of Salvation. I think that’s what really solidified everything. When the missionaries taught me my first lesson it was not the Restoration. I didn’t tell them anything. I only told them  after I was baptized. They had no idea, but they just felt like, “We need to teach her the Plan of Salvation.” So they came with that and so that was what really drew me because it made sense that, yeah, people die, but we can still see them again. It’s like not the end. I like the principle that our lives here are not just a waste. We can still be reunited and so that was the cherry on top for me.

Faith Is Not Blind: I think it’s interesting that you felt like you wanted to have that internal commitment to God in the same way that you perceived Joseph Smith having it so that you could be eternally connected to your mother, which is a beautiful sort of circle. I think it’s interesting that that idea of commitment and being immersed in religion in a relationship with God led you to go on your own missio. Describe how you decided to go on a mission and then where you went on your mission.

Loretta:  I think after I got baptized it was two weeks. Yes, it didn’t take long. I knew it was true. But the missionaries were like, “Okay, we have to teach you something so sit down.” And while they were teaching me I’d ask them, “Does everybody know about this? Because I didn’t know about this. Are there people all over the world teaching the same things? It’s not common knowledge still because I didn’t know it. It’s not like as common as getting a newspaper. Why is this not being broadcast everywhere?” I wanted to help you share it with everybody. I asked the missionaries what their program was and where I could I also do this. Is it just guys? Can I do it? After I got baptized I started learning about missionary work. I would go out teaching with them and just understand how to help people and I kind of was drawn to the concept of meeting someone who has no idea or has an idea but doesn’t really have the big picture and seeing that change fascinated me. I went to teach with them because I like how this feels and so I decided to serve a mission. My entire family was surprised, shocked. What are you doing?  Because I’d never really commit anything and after my mom died I kind of didn’t care anymore about much. So the fact that I was caring about something scared them, like “Maybe you’re being irrational you or just grieving in the grieving process. You don’t need to decide to do anything.” But I told them, “This is what I want to do and I’m going to do it with or without your help.” And they’re like, “Well, you know you’re not listening to us. Your mother’s not here so you think you can just decide to do what you want. We’re going to step back.” And I was like, “Okay, fine.”  And so I just started saving. I worked. I still working at the waitress job. I found another job close by in a hotel and that helped. My ward was great and then I went on my mission I think just 2 years after I’d join the church. I served in England. And I just wanted everybody to know what I knew. That’s what I wanted to do.

Faith Is Not Blind: It’s a beautiful story. And like most beautiful stories, you want the hero to have sort of an easy way and have things come easily. And I and I think it’s interesting you had these conflicts, but you pushed through them because you’re so certain that it was true. On your mission was there a time when you weren’t as certain?

Loretta: Yes. Because I felt like I left on such a whim, like I was literally on a Magic Carpet, which I think sometimes the Spirit can help us do that and it’s wonderful but it can’t last.  And it probably shouldn’t. I remember when I was being taught by the elders I was kind of interested in Church History, but there was just so much study that I didn’t get to study everything. I remember right at the beginning on my mission, I was walking with my trainer and we were just talking to people on the street and there was this guy who came and he talked to us and we sat with him for like a while and he said, “Right. I have a question for you, Sister.”  I was like, “What?” and then he saidI have a question for you.” And then he said, “ow can you be so convinced with everything you’re sharing with me and everything you’re saying, but you know that this church doesn’t like people who look like us.” What does it mean? He started telling me about the Priesthood not being given to people of color and I didn’t know back then. So I kind of listened to what he was saying, but I was like, “I don’t know what he’s talking about. This is ridiculous.” But it would not escape my mind. I kept thinking about it because I guess I was starting to put two and two together, Like, God loves me so obviously so everybody should have everything. So I called my mission president the next day and I told him this is what I was faced with and I don’t know how to deal with it, but I need answers.

Faith Is Not Blind: How did you feel? That’s a bombshell to find out something like that. Did you feel that anyone had deliberately tried to hide that information from you?

Loretta: At first I did because I was thinking they just didn’t teach me everything. I wanted to be taught everything, so I felt like they just didn’t disclose everything, But at the same time, because I was studying Church History already, I was thinking, “How did I miss that in my study or have I not gotten to it yet?”  So I was just thinking, “This is just a lot and I want to know how to unpack it.” I think that’s why I called my Mission President.

Faith Is Not Blind: That’s an interesting approach to try and at least give the benefit of the doubt to the information. So what did your Mission President say?

Loretta: He said, “Well, if you want, you can research.” He told me to go on lds.org if I wanted to or I could deal with it when I get home.

Faith Is Not Blind: Did he make it clear to you that the information was available? I think that’s interesting that he told you to research it.

Loretta: He said, “Well,l nothing is hidden.” Because I told him I don’t understand why I didn’t know this yet. Someone on the street knows it. And he told me, “We have a lot of Church History that is compiled by the leaders of the church that you can find online. And this is where it is. You might have not come across it,but it is there and you are more than welcome to study it. That will help you learn how to assist other people that you might meet on your mission.” So I decided to pray about it after that because I personally have a pattern ab out how to deal with things. I first go to the leaders or a Bishop. Right then it was the Mission President. And after that I pray about it and decide. So I prayed about it and answer was, “You don’t have to deal with it right now or you can deal with it when your home. It won’t be a problem anymore.”

Faith Is Not Blind: How did you get that answer when you were so confused? I think sometimes confusion or a misunderstanding or any negative feelings might stop someone from communicating with God. I think your pattern is interesting because you see it all throughout your conversion story–that connection with God. How to do have an open connection with God so that you could ask him and still get an answer even though maybe you had some negative feelings–which were justified in the circumstance–but how did you get that answer from Him?

Loretta: After becoming a member of the church I was obsessed with General Conference. I started studying all the Conference talks before I became a member. So I was baptized 2010 and I started from like the seventies. When I started I would study every General Conference because I was obsessed with General Conference. I had lots of talks to draw from to deal with this. And I remember there was one talk by, I think it was, President Boyd K Packer and I had this prompting to read that talk. In that talk that was a scripture recited which was in first Nephi. And it was Nephi being questioned by the angel and he talks about condescension of God and he says, “You know I don’t know the meaning of all things, but I know God loves his children.”  And I was at a point where I didn’t know the meaning of all things, but does that mean God doesn’t love me. I know he does love me and so that scripture was kind of what I needed at that point and that was my answer: I’m not going to have answers for all the people who I meet during this mission. Questions are going to throw at me. I might not have answers,  but what they need to know is that God loves them irregardless of whatever questions they might have.

Faith Is Not Blind;  So you read that talk on your mission and after you read the talk, you felt like God’s love is probably the most important thing and still feel that. How did you proceed with the rest of your mission? Were there other obstacles like that or did that help you get through the rest of your mission?

Loretta: It did help because during my mission. At first I didn’t understand why I’d been called to England. It didn’t make sense to me when I wanted to go to Africa. But for some reason while I was in England every person of color was drawn to me. I didn’t have to actively seek people. They’d just see me walking down the street with a badge and go, “I need to talk to her.” They’d always ask me, “We didn’t know people of color were in this church.” Like, “Where are you from? Who are you? Where did you come from?” And I’d tell them where I came from there were so many members. And I remember this guy–he was from the Congo– and they were less-active. And then there was another family as well–not even members–we just knocked on their door. So all these people would ask and they’d be surprised first of all because they knew about this church, but they just didn’t know that they had a place in it. And I was kind of like their evidence that there is a place for us. Because she cannot be here doing this for 18 months for no reason. So there were many people. I was just drawn to them and they were drawn to me and I would always bear testimony that, “You may encounter things you do not understand. You may have to really understand why you’re doing this, but at the end of the day God is the one that loves you. He’s the one. If anything, that’s what should help you stay.

Faith Is Not Blind: Did you have any of these people asked you specifically about the Priesthood?

Loretta: I had one one person talk to me and they were asking me because they didn’t understand I’m staying. They were less active and they  were wondering, “Why are you still a part of this when you know this targets your people?” Well I feel like people are not perfect. God is working with imperfect people and because he’s working with imperfect people these things are what makes them or breaks them. And their choices are not God’s choices. We can only yield to God’s will not our will. Then it’s not a problem right now because they made their choices that they needed to at that time, but I’m choosing to make this choice right now.

Faith Is Not Blind: So you took control over your choices and let your relationship with God be your relationship with God. How long have you been home now?

Loretta: It’s been awhile. I came home in 2014 in September–almost 5 years.

Faith Is Not Blind: I love that your relationship with God basically dictated all your decisions. I mean, even before you knew that that’s what it was pushing you, it was God’s love for you and your love for him. Since you’ve been home, when you’ve had difficulties I love that you turn to Him. How would you recommend that other people do the same?  I think sometimes it’s hard when we have expectation failure or when we have conflicts both in and outside of the Church. How have you made sure that the love of God is what motivates you and pushes you forward? How would you suggest other people do the same?

Loretta: For me personally, I think the problems or the questions usually come when a new experience presents itself into one’s life–either a trial or a change of environment something always shift gears. For me, when I left to go on my mission, I was going and knowing that I’m coming back. I had that I had that at the back of my mind–that no matter what happens here I’m going to be home. It’s fine. And so when I came to America I was like, “I don’t know when I’m going to come home.” Right now I’m kind of a fish out of water. And so I struggled a lot spiritually when I came here because things are so different from what I’m used to and I had experiences where my like identity was challenged. Like who I am and where I’m from–things like that. I remember talking to my Stake President at home who I talk to all the time. He was, “Well, when you went on your mission you were going for one purpose–to preach the gospel and go home. You’re here for school that’s different. It’s not technically a mission, but it is a mission because you are here to educate yourself, but you’re also here to help others. So why don’t you take that same energy and those same reasons and apply those here? And it’s not easy because you know you’re not a missionary, but you have to start thinking like one.” The first thing after “love the people you’re serving” is “you cannot compare.” Back home we used a certain type of money and in England they use pounds. What is this? You can’t compare things like that, Like why am I having the American dollar?  You’re here now. This is home so you have to learn again to love other people you’re surrounded by.  I can do that. That’s not a problem. And so I started doing that and I decided to work in the temple because I thought that would be one of the ways I could serve a lot of people without proselytizing or anything. So I started doing that in the temple as an ordinance worker. I was taught a lot of lessons and I realized that sometimes when people don’t want to face the music, they don’t want to face the challenge they’re struggling with. I’m not afraid of trials. I don’t like them, but I’m not afraid because I feel like I’ve already been beaten down with a lot of things. So anything that’s coming–you know–bring it on. I don’t care. So I’m not afraid and Satan knows Loretta’s not afraid and so he will try and find the simple things to detract me. For me, it was kind of the concept of going through the motions. I will go to churc.  I’ll do everything I’m doing, but I’m not invested. I’m just a body sitting in sacrament meeting, but nothing’s in there. No. Nothing is being taken in. Nothing is coming out. And so that was my trial. I was just complacent. But when I go to the temple I can be whole. So I think that’s the kind of the thing that happens if people become complacent. We’re not fully immersed. You don’t have to be less active or stop going to church to be someone who is struggling. We could all be sitting together in church and we’ll all be there, but we’re not there. We’re not active in the daily things that we’re supposed to be doing. And so I didn’t like that feeling. I was like kind of like, “This is not bringing me joy and it’s not who I am.”  So I decided to sit down with my bBshop and I told him, “I haven’t been reading my scriptures and I haven’t been praying.” And he says, “It doesn’t look like that when you come to church.” And I go, “That’s the problem, Bishop. You don’t see it. You know everyone could be sitting struggling but you can’t see it.” I’m showing up for church, but I’m not really there. So I’m the only one with enough guts to come and tell you this is what I’m going through. Probably millions in this world that are going to the same thing and I feel like you need to find ways we can help. I feel that everybody needs that same guidance because I’ve always want to strengthen the leaders of the church. I feel like if anything they can be my goal posts on the road to my Father in Heaven. So I did that and when I started applying those principles–deciding to be the one to choose to go to church, not going because I want to be seen–that I’m sitting there but because I love Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father more than anything and that I will go to church. And it just started off like that.

Faith Is Not Blind: I think it’s interesting that you were drawn to the church because you said you wanted to be fully committed. And that commitment essentially is what helped you stay when you were going through struggles. In the end, you you noticed that in order to be fully committed, you need to be doing internal things not just the external things. I think sometimes we feel like the love of God is just something that we can feel no matter what we’re doing, but the connection you’re making is interesting between the commitment and the work and being able to feel the love. The love is always there, but in order to feel that you have to have that commitment and that work. And sometimes giving God the benefit of the doubt during a struggle is the work you have to do. I just want to ask you to describe one last thing. When you feel the love of God–which sounds like that is what keeps you going–what does it feel like?

Loretta: With me, I think it shows because I’m naturally a happy person. When I’m really upset with anything or anyone I’m not actually happy. And when I’m not happy it shows. I cannot even hide it because my nature is happiness. Or when I’m not people can tell. I don’t have to say anything. They can just tell even when I’m trying to hide it. People somehow know something’s up with Loretta. And so because of that I feel like the love I received from Heavenly Father comes out in how I treat and how I serve others–how I take care of my friends or family. I always pray ever since joining the church–I’ve always prayed that I want the love that Heavenly Father has for me to show. When I help someone I want them to feel Heavenly Father not me. And so that’s when I know I can feel Heavenly Father’s love–when I am eager to assist people, when I’m eager to just show love in many different forms. And when I go to the temple. I love going to the temple. I feel it that’s the one place where when I go nothing else matters. I don’t even care what’s happening. I’m happy. I feel loved. I’m reminded every time I go there. Heavenly Father makes it a point to tell me that, “I love you” and “You’re important” every time I go. So that’s why I never want leave the temple

Faith Is Not Blind: And that’s the importance of your staying committed–so you can be in places where you can feel the love. I appreciate you sharing your story. It’s an extraordinary story and you’re an extraordinary person. I’m grateful that you shared your example. Thank you so much.