Tori: Coping with Racism in the Church: “Ye Are All One in Christ”

As a biracial member of the church, unfortunately Tori has had to deal with ignorant questions and racist comments from other members of the church. With complete honesty Tori shares how painful these interactions have been, but she also shares how she has learned to be forgiving and patient because she wants to help others understand how it feels to be marginalized. Her willingness to share both her sacred and her challenging experiences will inspire you to be more open-minded, more loving, and to remember, as Tori quotes Paul as saying, “[Y]e are all one in Christ” (Galatians 3:28).

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Faith is Not Blind: We’re going to talk today about how difficult it can be to be convert to the church and to stay in the church and we’ll talk about some of the difficulties that come even when you’re relatively young. Thank you for being here with us, Tori.

Tori: Thank you for having me.

Faith is Not Blind: Would you just talk a little bit about your childhood and your first encounters with the church and how you found out about the church?

Tori:  So my story is kind of a little crazy.

Faith is Not Blind: And that’s why we have you here.

Tori:  I don’t know if I’m considered a convert because t I was born into the church. So my mom and dad both raised me in it and my three other siblings. We went to church every Sunday. I would family home evening and my parents were very faithful and so I grew up only knowing the church and that was my life for the for my first nine years of my life. So up until I was I was part of a Mormon household.

Faith is Not Blind: Then what happened after that?

Tori: When I turned 9 that was when it starts to become like conversion story. I had kind of a testimony of Christ when I was nine but it was mainly just my parents’ testimony. When I turned ten-years-old my parents got divorced and that was when my mom moved out of my parents house. I lived with my mom and my brother stayed with my dad. My dad kept going to church but my mom stopped and because I live with my mom I stopped going to because I did what she did.

Faith is Not Blind: What an interesting story. This is why I think I would label you as sort of a conqueror then. Because there’s this sort of interruption in your story–an interruption in the building of your faith. What does that look like? Especially to have so much consistency in the first part? I mean if you looked at the first part of your story you would just assume, well, okay there she goes. She’s on the path.  But to have this sudden Interruption as a nine-year-old. How did you perceive it at that time?

Tori: There’s no way to really prepare a child for divorce, but there’s also really no way to prepare child to make such a shift in her life from believing “this is how you’re supposed to live” and then now “it is an option.” For me, it was really confusing because I didn’t know what was right anymore. I thought that the way that I grew up living was right,  but now I’m seeing that there’s a different way to live. So my thought was, “Okay it looks like it’s time to live a different way.” It was really confusing for me for a lot of years because what I now thought was living the gospel wasn’t mandatory any more–that it’s just an option and maybe it’s not even true. And that was my thought process for a long time.

Faith is Not Blind: At what point was there a shift back to your beginnings with your gospel roots?

Tori: This is kind of a long story, but I had turned 16-years-old and my uncle who lived in Utah had invited me up to stay with them for the summer and I was super against it at first because I didn’t really want to like spend my summer with a bunch of what I would call “Mormons.” And then going to church and just like going back to that lifestyle–I just was not interested. But they kept asking. Like, “Come visit us. It would be so fun.”  So I end up going up for the summer and I went to church again for the first time and at first it was super bizarre, super weird. I was in young womens and I had skipped the whole beginning of young women so it was weird–like I missed primary. Iit was like a big gap that I skipped. And I was being thrown in with these girls who super faithful. And they’re singing hymns I didn’t remember. Some of them came back to me, but I didn’t remember a lot of them. And I was taking Sacrament and I just remember being super overwhelmed by it. But over the course of time I started to realize that this was what true peace felt like. I’m not going to go  into detail about the things that occurred during the gap of when I didn’t go to church, but there was a lot of a lot of darkness that I experienced. And a lot of things I got into that really were very worldly and didn’t really bring me real happiness. And I was seeing for the first time what true happiness was. What it felt like was true joy. And that was like a turning point in my life when I realized that.  I started actually gained my own testimony and realize that this was this was the path I wanted to take. And even though it was going to be difficult, this was something that I wanted to do. So that was probably the turning point.

To go further into it, I ended up coming home that summer and it was the summer before my senior year of high school. My uncle asked me if I wanted to spend my senior year in Utah and at first I was like, “Oh, I don’t want to leave my friends.” It was just super difficult to make new friends and go to a brand new High School and start going to church again like that like. If I moved to Utah that meant that  I have to stay on that path. So I went home to San Diego and it was a few days before my senior year was starting and I just remember sitting in my room and it was late at night and my mom had left to work that night to work as a bartender. A I was just sitting in there and I was thinking, “I have to make a decision fast.” And it was the first time that I had been alone in a while because in Utah I was around my cousins and my aunt and uncle. So I was alone for the first time and I was really having time to really be introspective and really think. I just remember thinking to myself–just feeling so sad because I couldn’t figure out what I wanted. I I knew that I couldn’t sit on the fence. I knew I had to choose the gospel or the world and there was no other way. I couldn’t sit on the fence for the rest of my life. So I was just sitting in my room and I just remember praying and just crying and trying to figure out what path I wanted to take. And I said a prayer that night. I was like, “Heavenly Father, I I don’t know what I do, but all I know is I just don’t want to be alone right now and I just I just need someone.” And I just went to bed that night. I don’t really talk much because it was such a sacred experience. But this was really the turning point of my testimony. But I was laying down and it was like 12 in the morning and I fell asleep. I remember waking up and I heard dishes clicking and banging in my kitchen and I was like, “that’s odd.” It was like 2 in the morning and I was like “Why is my mom home from work what is she doing?”  I just closed my eyes and went back to sleep and I remember waking up again because I could see my door kind of creaking open. And I looked out of the corner of my eye and my eyes were kind of like fuzzy because I’ve been crying all night so I couldn’t really see that well. So I close my eyes and just go back to sleep and she just kissed my forehead and just gave me a hug and the feeling that came to me was just warm. Because that was something my mom would do for me when I was really little when I would go to sleep. She would kiss my forehead and give me a hug. She didn’t do often and hadn’t done that in years her doing that to me meant everything because she hadn’t done it in so long. And that was exactly what I had asked for. I went back to sleep and I was just so happy. I remember waking up at 7 in the morning and I got up and I ran to my mom’s room to go thank her for doing that and she wasn’t home. So I called her and I was like, “Hey, did you go get breakfast? Where did you go?” And she was like, “I spent the night at my friend’s house last night.” And I was like, “What? You can come home. And  she was like, “No, I didn’t come home. Are you okay?” And I was like, “Yeah, I’m okay. I just thought you were here.” So I hung up the phone and I sat in my room and I just couldn’t figure out what happened. But I thought about it and I prayed about it and I realized. My great-grandmother died when I was 9-year- old and my parents were about to divorce and it was a really hard time for all of us. She loved to cook and she was always in the kitchen. And then I remembered the feelings that I got when I was little and she would hug me and she would kiss me. And I sat down and I thought about it and I realized that Heavenly Father had heard me. It was just such a turning point in my life because I knew right then that it didn’t matter how far I had gone off the path. Heavenly Father was there the whole time and I think the lesson that I learned from that was it doesn’t matter how far you sink–that you can always reach your hand out and I know it.

 A lot of people don’t have experiences like that, but I talked to Mom about it and she thinks it was my great-grandmother too. But I know that He really does listen and He sends you people. After that experience I called my aunt and uncle and I said, “I want to be in Utah and I want to spend my senior year there.” And that’s why I’m here. It was that experience that got me to Idaho and really grew my testimony.

Faith is Not Blind: Wow. What an amazing experience, especially for you to feel that connection not just to God but to your family. Especially realizing you were going to have to leave your mom behind in some ways, to be able to move forward. As you went to Utah it would be nice to just assume that everything is just going to be wonderful, especially with that experience in your heart to take with you to comfort you. After that time what kind of difficulties did you encounter that were unexpected that tested this resolve? Like you said, “it’s going to be all one way or all the other.”  Were there ways that made it difficult to continue that path even with that sacred experience?

Tori: For sure. There was a thing that people told me. They were like, “Once you start to live right, that’s when the devil really tries to pull you back.” And living in Utah was probably one of the toughest experiences of my life because I really had to face a lot of things that I didn’t think I would have to. In San Diego there was a lot of culture–so much culture. And so I had experienced as a kid  some people saying, “Your hair is so curly” or things like that, but I never heard anything that was super racist or anything. But moving to Utah–that’s when it was really a culture shock for me and I realized that I do stand out here. And I now have to explain to people “what I am” and “what my parents are” and why my family’s white and why I’m black. It was definitely a very hard transition for me having people come to me like, “Sorry, but what are you?” or “Can I touch your hair?” You know, things like that. I had to really overcome things in Utah that really did test my faith. And there were times when I thought to myself, “Is this even worth it? Does God not even really love me because I’m different?” And there were times when I look at myself and I think, “Wow. I am not happy in my skin.”  And I think that’s one of my biggest tests of my faith living in Utah.

Faith is Not Blind: How did you work through that? Because people might want to assume members of the church will be compassionate, that they’ll be open-minded, that they won’t ask questions that show ignorance. How did you work through that instead of just going back to California?

Tori: It wasn’t easy for sure. I I still struggle with it today. But the one thing that really just got me through it was going back to the scriptures. I think it’s Galatians 3 verse 28, but it basically says “There is neither Jew nor Gentile. You are  all one in Christ.” I remember I was in seminary and my teacher read that verse and I just I just like froze. Because it really doesn’t matter your race or what kind of hair you have or even what you believe. You’re all one in Christ. And that was what got me through. It didn’t matter what friends were saying about me or what people in church were saying or even my family said. What mattered was that to Christ I matter to him. And it didn’t matter the color of my skin.

Faith is Not Blind: I think that it’s beautiful to be able to remember that. Maybe sometimes it’s harder not to be angry. How did you avoid being angry or blaming those people. How are you able to separate that out?  Sometimes meeting people in the church who aren’t like Him–how are you able to separate it so that you didn’t become angry at them and didn’t become angry at God?

Tori: That’s definitely something that I really did struggle with coming back to church because I had already questions. I thought if this is true, the people should be very accepting as well. And I learned that people aren’t perfect and no matter where you go you’re never going to find perfect people. And I just realized that people are born in different areas and grow up thinking differently, but you just have to love everyone. And getting angry solves absolutely nothing. I think about Martin Luther King and you know how he saw things very peacefully. And I definitely look up to him so much because he he took so much hate and he told his people that we need to be peaceful and don’t resort to violence. I think that nothing would ever get solved if I was to get angry or resentful and hold hate towards people that said things about me. I wouldn’t progress and I wouldn’t be happy and even though it’s still something that I do struggle with, I just think about what really matters is what Christ thinks of me. What some people just don’t know is that they’re being ignorant. Some people don’t know that they’re being hurtful. And being patient with them and explaining to them, “This is what I am–I’m a daughter of God just like you. A daughter or son of God like you and he loves all of us and we can’t judge anyone because of differences.”

Faith is Not Blind: You’re definitely talking about the ideal. I’m glad that you’re willing to say it’s work and it’s really hard. And maybe every day it isn’t easy to say those things to yourself.  Just in case there are people who haven’t had experiences with this or maybe don’t know what it’s like to be the recipient of racist comments or hurtful comments, would you just talk about how those comments make you feel so that maybe we can prevent people from making comments like that?

Tori: One comment that really hurts is I was told because I’m half-black–my dad’s black and my mom’s white–that I’m breaking a curse because I am half white. The person who said it was not trying to be hateful and they weren’t trying to make me feel bad day. They really just thought that they were speaking “facts” and that they were happy for me that I was breaking this curse. And it’s ridiculous when you think about it, but this was really their mindset. And o me it just pierced a hole in my heart to think that my skin is a curse and not a blessing. So I just probably want to say that it hurts to feel like you have to defend your skin.  I think some people don’t really know what that’s like to feel like especially in America or in the church–having to constantly defend your skin color. I think interracial marriage was only legalized a little 50 years ago, so it’s still really new, So not many people that are biracial but we exist and we’re still trying to find a place in this world. Just because I’m half white doesn’t mean that I don’t still feel the baggage that my ancestors felt when they were in the fields. It definitely does hurt. But I think that just educating people and really just letting them know that our skin is not a curse, that I take a lot of pride in who I am. And even though words do hurt, I’m going to take that and I’m just going to keep pressing forward. I think that’s why people–especially in the church–people of color should try to just remember that it doesn’t matter what anyone else says. It matters what God thinks of you and he loves you doesn’t matter what your race is. Just educate people and be a walking example of Christ and that’s the most important thing you can do.

Faith is Not Blind: I do–like we said in the beginning– think of you as a convert convert to Christ and especially when you’ve encountered difficult situations. Some people might wonder with the things that you have experienced why you would choose to stay in this church? What keeps you here?

Tori: That’s a really good question. I have struggled with that my entire life and even still being at BYU-Idaho. They say you have to live in the darkness to really appreciate the light and I spent so much of my life in the dark and there are still times that I do spend it in the dark. And I have felt what joy is even if it’s just for a second. And I know that’s what I want. And I know the only place to find it is in the church.  And despite the racist comments or questions and all the opposition I faced, the joy that I feel in his church outweighs all of it. And the love I feel for Christ just going to church and taking Sacrament and praying and reading scriptures and just feeling the blessings that come from being faithful outweigh all of the darkness. So that’s what kept me.  And also just seeing how being an example to my siblings and my mom and my dad, how it blesses their lives as well. And knowing that I’m not just doing this for myself, but I’m doing it for my future husband and my future kids and that there are so many people that are affected by the choices I make right now. That’s what keeps me. And just being so happy here and knowing that there’s so much good to come and so much light that I can feel by being in the church. That’s what keeps me in the church.

Faith is Not Blind: I think of your family line and you’re just a blessing to everybody. I mean, you’re spreading the blessings. That’s what you’re doing. You’re spreading the blessings of your heritage and the beauty of your heritage. There’s so much beauty in that. Thank you for sharing it and for passing it on and for educating people with joy. Thank you so much, Tori. Thank you.